Wrong house
I had just moved into a new apartment and was having problems with the mailman, who was delivering the previous tenant's mail to my address.
Hoping to resolve the situation, I enlarged my name on the mailbox, but
he still kept giving me the wrong letters. Finally, I left a note saying that he was delivering the mail incorrectly.
The next day I went to the box to find this addition to my message: "Sir, I am delivering the mail correctly. You're just living at the wrong address."
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Why mommy and daddy got a divorce
Dari aiai@rileks.com :
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I
know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 35 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."
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Firmed this up
Dari juliadi@cbn.net.id :
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."
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Jokes by number
It was his first time at this convention, and on the first day he heard someone yell out the number, "34!" Everyone burst out laughing. He thought that was kind of strange. Then someone yelled out, "87," and again everyone started to laugh. This went on for quite sometime.
Finally, he asked a co-worker what the number calling was all about. The co-worker replied, "We are so busy that we have a book of jokes that everyone has memorized and to save time we just yell out the number."
That night the guy went home and memorized the whole book. The next day while at work the guy yelled out, "52," and everyone just looked at him strangely. He went back to work. Someone else yelled out the number, "68," and everyone laughed hysterically. So, he yelled out, "29," and again everyone just looked at him strangely, so he put his head down and went back to work.
Later that day at lunch, he asked the co-worker, "Why when I yelled out a number no one laughed?"
The co-worker replied "Well, you know how it is, some people can tell a joke and some people can't!"
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Buying condoms
A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
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Bad diagnosis
One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor.
The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself.
" So he went out and bought a starter pistol. When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him.
So they got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to cum, so he fired the pistol.
The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went.
He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."
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Traveling salesman
A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby.
He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. "Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night." Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
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Have no luck with the ladies
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like
this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
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She's got a... point
Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he is carrying a football and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boy's
game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter.
Her mother promptly went out and bought her daughter a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike and the girl shows him the football, yelling, "Nah na nah na nah." The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boy's bike and girls can't have them!" Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boy's bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts and says,
"You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!" The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl, "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress and says, "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
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Don't get mad, get even
A businessman flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send he driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and barely caught
his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to
get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "OK," and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and a thumbs up sign to each driver.
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Royal Malaysian joke
Three men, a British, an American and a Malaysian were sitting beside each other on a plane. The British started introducing himself to the other two, "My name is Bond, James Bond."
The American replies, "My name is Damme, Van Damme, Claude Van Damme, Jean Claude Van Damme".
Not wanting to be left out, the Malaysian added in, "My name is Agung, DiPertuan Agung, Yang DiPertuan Agung, Baginda Yang DiPertuan Agung, Paduka Baginda Yang DiPertuan Agung, Seri Paduka Baginda Yang DiPertuan Agung, Mulia Seri Paduka Baginda Yang DiPertuan Agung, Yang Maha Mulia Seri Paduka Baginda
Yang DiPertuan Agung, Duli Yang Maha Mulia Seri Paduka Baginda Yang DiPertuan Agung".
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Three worthless things
A priest is out for an afternoon stroll and turns the corner and finds little Johnny with a hammer smashing the daylights out of a bunch of ants. The kid is saying to himself, "I hate these fucking ants...I hate these fucking ants." The priest is taken back by the little boy's language and talks to him, saying that God doesn't make junk. "Tomorrow I will be coming by again and if you can tell me three things that God created that are worthless, then I will let you continue killing the ants." The next afternoon, the priest is out again for his walk and comes
upon little Johnny smashing ants again. The priest reminds him of the agreement that they made saying the boy agreed not to kill any more ants unless he could name three things that God created that are worthless. Little Johnny looks up with a devilish smile and says, "I do know three things that are totally worthless. The first is a prick on a priest, the second is tits on a nun, and the third are these fucking ants!
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No-win situation
One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge, plummeting to her death. "Oh, shit!" the woman thought, "what a stupid way to die." Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the air, catching the woman. Delirious from shock, the woman
shouted, "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!" The man replied, "Do you suck?"
Stunned at this, the woman said, "No, I don't suck!" And with that, the man let go of her.
"Shit!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again. Suddenly, another set of arms grabbed her at the 9th floor. "Thank God!" she screamed. "I would have died if it weren't for you!" The man asked, "Do you fuck?"
Absolutely aghast, the woman answered, "No, I don't fuck!" Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted, "I suck! I fuck!" "Slut," the man said, and dropped her.
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Long happy life
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.
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Fast Chicken
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH. He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted.
The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet.
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We no longer need you
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked
up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man making contest." To which the man replied, "OK, great!" But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no.
You go get your own dirt!"
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Baby
John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can
sleep in the room with Baby." John said that he would prefer the floor. The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"
"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid," he said.
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Best Positions for Praying
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one. "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
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She Was A Hog
Young Johnny had never had sex in his life, so his buddy Billy told him that he'd take him to a girl that would teach him a few things. He agrees. Later, Johnny's in a room with the girl. She takes off her clothes, and
asks him, "Do you know what I want?" Young Johnny says, quite honestly, "No." She lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again. Again he answers, "No." Now, she's not sure exactly what to do, so she spreads her legs all the way spread-eagle! She asks, "Now do you know what I want?" Johnny answers, "Yeah. You want the whole damned bed to yourself."
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Fruits Of Love
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right.
He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK. "Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love." The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"
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